Anti-Networking in the Workplace

1. Make a thorough assessment of which people are most important to your career prospects. Try to piss them all off at least once a day. If it helps you to keep track you can add their names to every page of your diary, with a tick box next to each.

2. Tell your workmates they are bad at their jobs - one at a time - all of them. Slag off your work colleagues to their friends. Word will get back to them almost straight away, and somehow it's more irritating that way.

3. Make it clear you consider yourself the only person with any skill, ideas and drive in the company. You also do all the work. In fact, if you left the place would quickly go to the wall. Approach the personnel department and encourage them to write a company hymn about you. Try to get your name embossed in gold on everyone's pay slips, or included in the company mission statement.

4. Use savage and offensive language at the slightest provocation. If in doubt, swear like a sailor.

5. Try to avoid conversation wherever possible. Make it clear that you view talking as a waste of your precious time, and time is money. In fact, why not present the unwelcome visitor with an itemised bill when they leave.

6. If you do get trapped in a conversation, use body language, sighs and other vocal effects to make it clear you don't care and you aren't listening

7. If that doesn't work, try hogging the conversation. Butt into the middle of their sentences and turn the subject to something completely unrelated that happened to you.

8. View all conversees with deep suspicion. Let's face it, given your reputation they're probably only here to take the piss or win a bet.

9. Never remember anyone's name. Call everyone "mate". People will respect your dedication to worker equality.

10. Repeat the following phrase loudly, to anyone who gets close enough...
"all men/women are bastards/neurotic" (delete where appropriate depending on your gender)
This is an amazingly effective way to alienate and annoy half your colleagues at a stroke.

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Copyright 2006
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